As a warning and a public service, misreviews presents a guest review from head misinformant Gary Fixler.

This review contains spoilers, but they're there for your own good. Avoid this movie at all costs. The future of cinema depends on it.

— Marcus

Jesus Frickin' Christ, Marcus!

Battlefield Earth has to be the worst movie I've EVER seen! Can I vote for a new worst movie ever? I mean... wow. It was actually stunningly impressive in it's suckitude. The theater was silently in awe when the movie ended, just staring at the blank screen. The lights were up, the ushers were cleaning the aisles around us. But we were frozen in time, not unlike people who've just witnessed an 80 car pile-up centered around a truck full of babies and puppies.

Firstly, as our pal Art immediately pointed out - every damn shot in the film was canted (or is it 'kanted'). By the end we were leaning left and right with it to try to keep from puking, or falling from our seats into, perhaps an ocean? We figured the camera guy had one leg.

Secondly, the aliens look like Klingons. Yes their craniums are shaped more like those of the Coneheads. Yes they are taller than humans by a substantial amount. Yes, the guttural noises they growl out aren't exactly passable by Klingon Language Camp standards. Yes, they have green eyes. I don't give a shit... They're Klingons.

Thirdly, the aliens don't breathe our air, we don't breathe theirs, and that's fine... but the teleporter whisks this football field-sized outdoor area back and forth between their planet and ours, and it's damn near impossible to tell which planet you were on, and which planet you've just arrived at. Furthermore, near the teleporting pad on each planet exist various enormous rooms/buildings/structures that may be either our air or theirs, so the cute little nose plug breathing devices (which fit both species) are constantly either being put on or yanked off by both species, in an endless array of annoying nasal fun. Sorry, it just pissed me off for some reason. I mean, I couldn't even tell what fuckin' room they were in. Would it have mattered to me if none of them ever wore the devices at all? Or shoved them up their asses? Who the fuck cares? I don't give a shit.

Forth complaint: This is one of my biggies. The filmmakers have opted to use the old "have them speak in their language, and then fade it into English" technique of avoiding subtitles. To that, I say "bravo." However, don't leave specific nouns in place. It sounds dumb. For example: "I'm Cur, and I'm thirsty. Get me a glass of unpronounceable alien drink name" Look... we're already translating everything for the ease of the audience. Don't call it that name. Just have them say "I'm Cur, and I'm thirsty. Get me a glass of 'beer.'" It's a "translation." After all, he used the word "glass," right? And the word, "get," yes? They used all sorts of human catch-phrases, too. Example: The cavemen learn to fly the Harriers (whatever), and immediately begin to use plane jargon, like "He's all over my tail, I can't shake him!" Constant overuse of phrases they shouldn't have pieced together in under a week, and selective 'alienation' of nouns here and there made this movie fall into a trap of misplaced "space-jargon" faster than a 200lb. tweedledorp can fall into a cosmic asteroid trap.

Fifth: What was with Travolta's annoying accent? Okay, we're already translating completely away from his actual Klingon voice. Why do we need to add an accent now to Travolta's voice, and an annoying one at that? It was so distracting. It was like meso-british. It was like half a biscuit with lukewarm tea.

Sixth rule of Acquisition: 'returned to the stone age' natives, or "man animals," no matter how clever, can not learn, in 6 days, how to fly, in formation, a full fleet of Harrier jet airplanes, nor can they lead them on a mobile air assault against a large group of agile, hovering alien ships with ranking officers trained in, not only air-to-air dogfighting skills, but flying in the fucking first place!

Seventh oversight: How many times can a group of escaped cave men, who only just learned of technology like a week ago, but haven't gotten to even touch it from their "Planet of the Apes" cages, utter phrases to the effect of "Oh, ook ook, this must be the flux inducer which controls the ramscoop on the starboard side of the warp nacelle... Now I totally understand how to, firstly, arm this nuclear device, secondly, pilot it to the teleportation field, and thirdly, deliver it and detonate it on the Klingon home planet, ook, ook???"

Eighth reason they just didn't give a shit: Travolta isn't as uglified as his alien comrades. I think he deserved to be beaten a bit more with the fugly stick for opting into this sad affair. And his partner from Phenomenon - you know, the cool black dude who was lookin' for Diana Ross? He gets a red card for agreeing to follow John down his dark, slippery, hellslide. No movies (or royalties) for them for a full year.

number 9... number 9... How much fucking money DID they spend on this pile? I mean, yeah, it was terrible, but there were about 5 minutes of screen time that DIDN'T contain a full screen digital compositing of 100 explosions with 10 makeup laden characters, city models, fires, altered lighting effects, and CG spaceships. Christ almighty. Send a couple of bucks to needy, worthy causes, like misinformer.com, or Charlton Heston. Rifles have made him crazy. We need help to part the waters and lead him back to the promised land of peace, and light artillery. Enough of my soapbox. Just answer me this... if it's going to include sawed-offs, pistols, and the occasional bazooka, why don't they call it the NGA (National GUN Association)????

And finally... "Just the 10 of us" (hung ourselves during the credits). The best part of this movie was the three pisses I had to get up and take, on account of my giant Pepsi, and constant, nervous cringing at the horrific acting/writing/storyline in Battlefield Earth. I give this movie six-hollow pointed bullets to the head for bravery, and/or, stupidity. I'll be checking my mail, and t.v.'s bloopers. I'm still not sure that was really a movie I just saw. I want confirmation of some kind. I think I'd appreciate seeing an audience laughing at me. Just laughing their asses off. I just want to know that this movie won't hurt anyone else. It can't be real... if it is, it has to be stopped.

I'm going to go lie down now, naked in a pool of my own drool and urine, 'cause like them, I just don't care anymore.

-G