Charlie's Angels:

I don't think that it would be unfair to say that Charlie's Angels is the best movie ever. At the very least, it does hold, as of this writing, the honor of being misreviews best movie of 2000.

Of course, Bedazzled is no slouch either, but in the week since I saw it, I haven't been able to keep enough drool out of the keyboard to type up a stupid review of it.

You know what that means. We got a two-fer. Buckle up.

Bedazzled is the story of Brendan Fraser, a tech support weenie who is granted seven wishes by the Devil, a.k.a. blisteringly hot Elizabeth Hurley.

I'm super pissed at Liz Hurley, and it's not because she agreed to appear in that stupid ass Austin Powers: The Spy who Sold Out. Well, not anymore. It's because my girlfriend is going to leave me over an affair that I never had with her.

After reading a story about how Liz couldn't get a date to the Bedazzled premiere because of the negative press surrounding her crossing of the Screen Actors Guild picket line, my girlfriend asked me, innocently I thought, theoretically, if I would have gone to the premiere with Elizabeth Hurley if she had asked me.

For future reference, the answer to this question is not a resounding, "Hells YEAH!"

Now every time we walk past the Estee Lauder counter at Macy's, I get the "you cheating bastard" look.

Anyway, I wish I did go on that date with Elizabeth Hurley. If I did, she would have immediately recognized that I'm ten times as losery as Brendan Fraser, and she would have given me seven wishes for sure. And this is what I'd do with them:

Wish 1: I wish that every movie that I see from now on will feature turbo hotties making dozens and dozens of superfluous costume changes.

Wow. I mean, in Charlie's Angels they at least had the whole "secret agent, master of disguise" thing going on when they masqueraded as Bavarian singing telegram girls so that they could use their retinal scanning tuba. In Bedazzled, they just had Liz Hurley Barbarellaizing herself into three different costumes per scene for no apparent reason other than the fact that it's nice to try to cover the board on fetishes. My new thing is "meter maid." Rrrrrowwww...

Another costume of note was Cameron Diaz's "invisible suit." Remember that episode of Pokemon where Jessie and Meowth wore black suits with veils and claimed they were invisible? Cameron does the same trick, except she uses a white suit, it's skin tight, and watching her slink around in it gave me a facial tick.

Speaking of which, let's hear it for non-functioning zippers, huh? Yaaaay! I swear none of the Angels ever had a shirt zipped up past their navels. And just when you can't take it anymore, they reach for the zipper and you think "Aww, she's gonna pull it up," and then she pulls it down! McDLT, or whatever the hell his name is, is my new favorite director in the world. Sorry, Sam Raimi.

And yes, in case you're wondering, I did say "retinal scanning tuba."

Wish 2: I wish that the laws of physics that apply to Charlie's Angels applied to me.

Everybody in this movie was freakin' indestructible. The heroes, the villains, the pets, the paperboy, everybody! I swear George McFly guy got kicked by so many Angels so many times that it's physically impossible for him to not be a sinewy bag of meat paste and bone fragments, let alone for him to run away without showing any blood after the first fight sequence.

And what about Drew Barrymore's Bungee-Fu martial arts technique? I mean, come on people, just because you've digitally painted out the wires doesn't mean that we can't see her feet being pulled off the ground before she lands from the previous jump. This is not a complaint about the movie mind you, but just a detail that I felt I should mention for my wish. I want to be sure that I'll be able to do that.

Wish 3: I wish those Michael Jordan/Looney Tunes MCI Worldcom ads never existed.

I mean really. Jesus...

Wish 4: I wish that incredibly attractive, smart, funny, smoldering sexpots of womanhood would really fall for the dorkiest guys.

Not for me, of course (Hello, sweetheart. Great review so far, huh? Sweetheart?), but for all of those other losery guys out there who have yet to find true love.

I mean, look at Devil Liz in Bedazzled. More than once during the movie she mentions how much she actually likes Count Dorkula Brendan Fraser. Of course, she is the root of all evil personified, so it's entirely possible that she's just messing with his mind all the way to the end. Did anyone else notice that the girl who was granting his wishes was like 85 million degrees hotter than the girl he was wishing was in love with him? Get a clue, do the I Dream of Jeannie thing. Dumbass.

But what about the Angels? I mean, these are like God's prototypes for the perfect women. They're knowledgeable to the point of embarrassing the Encyclopedia Britannica, they can kick a hole through a bank vault without breaking a sweat, and they do it all in heels and an unbuttoned blouse while tossing around cute one-liners. And as the crowning jewel, these girls are the only women EVER to make good on the commonly thrown-about lie, "I want a sensitive guy with a good sense of humor, not a big strapping jock type with a huge dong."

God damn it, I'm sensitive with a good sense of humor, and you know what it got me?!... um... it got me the best damn girlfriend EVER, and I never forget it! Hi Lovemuffin! I love... you're the... hoo boy...

In the movie, Cameron Diaz falls for Luke Wilson, who is sexy, but who also happens to be playing a total dork. And Drew Barrymore boinks Tom Green who is this... wait a second... Drew Barrymore really does boink Tom Green. This wish is coming true already!

Wish 5: I wish that I had Jesse's girl.

I've been funny, I've been cool with the lines. Ain't that the way love's supposed to be?

Wish 6: I wish that I was brilliant enough to write comedy like this.

Charlie's Angels wasn't just an action movie or a spy movie. It wasn't just a T&A flick or a tongue-in-cheek comedy ripped off from a '70s TV show. It was an all around masterpiece, and this is never evidenced more strongly than it is through the inclusion of a "falling soufflé" joke. I mean really, when was the last time you saw a falling soufflé joke? Personally, I think it was an episode of Bewitched, circa about 1966. The Angels transcend all entertainment barriers.

Wish 7: I wish that I could write good reviews of movies that I like.

As we all know, I can't. I'm an "accentuate the negative" kind of guy, and I should have known right from the start that doing a "versus" review of two movies that I liked would yield perhaps the worst misreview yet.

I'm no biology expert or anything, but isn't the retina the back of your eye? I mean, sure Cameron Diaz was wearing a brown contact over her blue eye (an anti-Crystal Gayle), but is that really enough to fool a retinal scanner? Ah who gives a crap...

Being a computer industry worker bee, I can vouch for the attention to detail that they put into the computer center in Charlie's Angels. Pretty much every system that I've ever worked on has been contained within a transforming metallic cube surrounded by a smoking steel sphere. It's really the industry standard. And let me tell you, it's really a bitch to try to walk across a floor that will only let you touch it for .25 seconds before setting off an alarm. I mean, no human could walk that fast. That's practically "brisk."

Speaking of brisk, how about that little ending Hell sequence in Bedazzled? I love how they show the devil as that big horned Tim-Curry-in-Legend looking mofo for about five seconds and then go "Whoa! Wait! This sucks, let's turn it back into Elizabeth Hurley, but now in a snakeskin bikini! Awesome!"

Almost as awesome as the seven second plot wrap up on Angels. It pretty much comes down to Charlie coming on the intercom and saying "Oh, by the way Angels, I didn't kill that guy's dad. So... okay then. Be on the beach and look pretty."

And another thing... you know what? No other things. It's really late and I've got a lot of explaining to do if I intend to sleep inside the house tonight. Go see these movies, but if you take your girlfriend, be sure to practice your poker face first.