Oh jeez...

Okay, I saw Fantasia 2000 over a week ago, which means that it now registers in my memory only as "That movie I saw in the tent with the Lava Monster in it."

Sorry, we'll get to that later.

Luckily, I made some hasty notes that night about my feelings on the various musical segments if which Fantasia 2000 is comprised. Of course, they make no sense to me at this point, but I've extrapolated this review from them as best as I could.

I was lucky enough to be invited to an exclusive showing of Fantasia 2000 at Disney's homemade Fantasia 2000 IMAX Theatre.

It's weird. Immediately off to the side of the 405 freeway they've erected this temporary shantytown cineplex in a giant squarish white tent with port-a-pottys.

The really weird thing is that once you pass by the slapdash, Hooverville construction of the exterior, the inside has a startling ambiance of refinement and culture. There's all kinds of purple and blue mood lighting and statues and interactive kiosks, and even Krispy Kreme donuts. Mmmm, donuts.

It's worth checking out if you're in the neighborhood.

Anyhoo, let's get on with it.

Symphony #5 – Beethoven
Or Kraft American Singles go on a Holiday

For those of you who can read music, Beethoven's Fifth Symphony is the one that goes, "Bum bum bum BUMMMMM! Bum bum bum BUMMMMM!"

As the original narration lifted from the first Fantasia tells us, Symphony #5 is a piece of "music that exists for its own sake" as opposed to "music made to sell cars and burgers" or "music made to support suspension bridges."

The story of this segment is the classic struggle of good vs. evil as told by triangle shaped Doritos butterfly thingies. The big elegant triangle is doing beautiful sophisticated things while the goofy little sidekick triangle tags along and does silly things the kids will like. It's cute. It's heartwarming. It's eighty-five feet tall. Damn.

All is good and well in the world until the pretty pastel triangles are ambushed by a million black and red polygons of pure evil!

They swarm and chase and swoosh and flutter in perfect time to the music, the big triangle protecting the small one all the while. Finally the clouds burst open, the light from above shines in with the driving beat of the music, and everything is returned to a state of general hunky-doriness.

Pines of Rome – Respighi
Or A Whale of a Texture Map

What I do remember is how god-awful boring this sequence was. It's too bad that it's only about ten minutes into the film, because it would have made an excellent bathroom break later on in the movie.

To recap the story in twenty words or less: CG whales learn to fly, CG whales fly around iceberg, CG whales fly to space, the end.

But they didn't opt for the "in twenty words or less" version, they went for the "fifteen pages, single spaced, with bibliography" version.

It's long. Maybe it just seemed long because nothing was happening.

The big CG whales are doing beautiful sophisticated things while the goofy little sidekick whale tags along and does silly things the kids will like. It's cute. It's heartwarming. It's eighty-five feet tall. Damn.

Then the big whales keep flying with the smooth arcing grace of gigantic figure skaters while the little whale gets in trouble with birds and icebergs. Oooh! Look out small one! Your texture map is too low-res for IMAX film!

Yawn.

Rhapsody in Blue – Gershwin
Or Disney Tries a Different Style

Rhapsody in Blue is the song that goes "BwwwwWWWWwwwWWWWwwwwwWWwaaaaaaaaa - Doodoodoodoodoodoo - doot doot doot dooooot - doot doot doot - doot doot doot - doot doot dooooo..."

Um... it sounds kind of like the theme song to The Critic.

This was probably my favorite sequence in the film. From the music, to the style, to the storyline, it was by far the most entertaining, sidekick free segment of Fantasia 2000.

The style is reportedly influenced by the art of caricature artist Al Hirschfeld. To me, a lot of the animation (especially of the black... er... purple guy) looked exactly like the Genie in Aladdin. It turns out that this sequence was directed by Eric Goldberg, who in fact supervised the animation of the Genie who was supposedly, according to Disney press releases, animated in the style of Al Hirschfeld. I dunno, personally I don't believe that a squiggle for a beard counts as fully capturing Hirschfeld's style.

That nonsense notwithstanding, this sequence was a brilliantly crafted tale of a bunch of very different people in 1930s Manhattan, and how their lives unintentionally intermingle with each other. The Genie hates his job, the fat sidekick guy from The Rescuers hates his wife, Madeline wants to spend more time with her parents, and so on in a sweeping G-rated Pulp Fiction of a tale.

Two big curly thumbs up.

Piano Concerto #2, Allegro, Opus 102 (The Steadfast Tin Soldier) – Shostakovich
Or Love theme for a Monoped

Computer graphics have never been one of Disney's strong suits. Nobody will argue they can animate big powdery two-dimensional circles around most other studios, but their CG elements have usually stuck out like a stroke with a bingo marker in a Seurat painting.

According to the Fantasia 2000 website, "Computer-generated imagery blends seamlessly with traditional hand-drawn animation in this delightfully entertaining tale."

It doesn't.

I mean, it looks good and all, but "seamlessly" is a pretty big word to toss around. That being said, this was some really good CG animation... for Disney.

*cough cough motion capture cough*

The Fantasia 2000 website states that this sequence was "inspired by sketches created in the 1940s by a Disney story artist." Assuming that this dude doesn't still work there sixty years later, they ganked his pre-visualization for free. It kind of makes me wonder if all the ideas that I have that go nowhere will be developed more than half a century from now when I'm too busy looking for my teeth to appreciate it. But I digress...

The story revolves around a one-legged tin soldier who overcomes his disability to win the heart of a babelicious ballerina. Of course, if your only other option was a gigantic evil jack in the box who looks like David Rappaport, the monopod bayonet slinger wouldn't look so bad either.

Anyhoo, after being knocked out a window and flushed down a sewer, our hero returns to the toy room via being swallowed by a fish which is delivered to and vivisected by the mother of the boy who owns him. I think the ending really plays out better when you're half asleep and your mommy reads it to you than it does on the big screen.

And it was a big screen.

Damn.

Carnival of the Animals Finale - Saint-Saens
Or The One in the Middle is the Pink Flamingo

This is the song that goes "Blump Blump Blump Blump Blump ditditditditditdit, Blump Blump Blump Blump Blump ditditditditditdit."

I liked this one a lot. Maybe it's because I have a short attention span, maybe it's because it had a yo-yo, maybe it's because it had a flamingo who looked like the Genie from Aladdin.

This sequence answers the age old question, "What would a Disney animation director do, given the opportunity to make a story about a misfit who didn't quite fit in with the rest of the group?"

The elegant flamingos are doing beautiful sophisticated things while the goofy little sidekick flamingo tags along and does silly things the kids will like. It's cute. It's heartwarming. It's eighty-five feet tall. Damn.

This is absolutely groundbreaking work from a story standpoint, and definitely something that Disney has never tackled before, except in every animated feature that they've done so far, ever.

But I'm just being cynical for no reason now. Like I said before, I liked this part a lot.

The Sorcerer's Apprentice – Dukas
Or Mickey's Big Rerun

In Fantasia 2000 they go to great lengths to explain how both this movie and its predecessor had their genesis in the idea of a continuing "concert feature." The movie wouldn't be a solid structure, but an amorphous mass that included new and old segments for a "new experience every time you see it."

Of course, "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" was originally supposed to be an animated short, but when its budget had escalated to monumental proportions, it was rolled into an entire feature to help justify the cost, but we'll overlook that.

What can you say about this segment? I mean, you've seen it already. It's the Imagineering logo for Pete's sake.

The most notable thing about "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" in IMAX format, is of course, that it's not in IMAX format. I mean, it fills the whole screen and everything, but the 1940s film quality coupled with being blown up to such a huge magnitude makes the whole segment look like it's been through some kind of Photoshop "make crappy" filter when put in the context of the rest of the digitally mastered film.

Still, what was good then is still good now, and if they are going to insist on including reruns in the feature, this was an excellent choice. The animation is great, the story and characters are fun and engaging, and the water effects are outstanding. Once you add the fact that including this segment makes it possible to saturate your local Disney Store with a new wave of "Fantasia 2000 Special Edition Sorcerer's Apprentice Mickey Mouse Beanie Babies," there was really no other choice.

Pomp and Circumstance – Elgar
Or If Dreamworks can do a Biblical epic, so can we damnit!

But why settle for a just a "Fantasia 2000 Special Edition Sorcerer's Apprentice Mickey Mouse Beanie Baby" when you can also get a "Fantasia 2000 Special Edition Noah's Arc Donald Duck Beanie Baby?"

As far as I can tell, that's really the only reason to star Donald Duck as the assistant in this comic retelling of the tale of Noah's Arc.

While this sequence includes the typical Noah's Arc components (animals marching two by two, rain, Joan), these aspects serve only as a backdrop for the main story of dropping as many heavy animals on Donald as possible in the allotted time, as if the whole production was a giant sadistic Double Dare physical challenge. An elephant foot here, a hippo ass there, and comedy ensues!

In addition to the main plot of squashing the feathers off of Donald, there is a small subplot involving his long time girlfriend Daisy Duck. At the time that Daisy boards the arc, Donald happens to be in the process of being molested by Colonel Hathi, thus causing them to miss each other completely.

The remainder of the sequence is spent illogically trying to jerk tears as each of them mourns the drowning of their seemingly left-behind lover. The really weird thing is that even though there is not a single second where the audience is led to believe that one or both of the ducks is dead, I still felt the ol' tears welling up anyway.

"Awww, Daisy is so SAD! *sniffle sniffle* Donald is DEAD! Oh cruel worl... Look at Donald! Oh the poor guy! *sniff* Daisy is DEAD! *quivver* He's never going to see her agai... oh, poor Daisy..."

The music for this segment was outstanding. During the "gradation section" of the music, the animals are always marching into or out of the boat, which works beautifully with what our eyes expect to see when our ears hear that melody. At the conclusion, when Donald and Daisy are finally reunited (and tears of pure illogic are rolling down my cheeks) there is a vocal accompaniment that just sends shivers up and down your spine. Very well done. A+

Firebird Suite (1919 Version) – Stravinsky
Or The Hippie and the Lava Monster

The Fantasia 2000 website says, "this powerful piece of music provides a truly spectacular ending to Fantasia 2000.

For once, I agree with them.

Ho-leeeeee crap! This sequence was nothing short of pant-soiling incredible. From the passion of the music to the sidekick-free majesty of the art, this segment alone is worth the price of admission.

It all starts with the Hartford Insurance Elk and his giant CG antlers. Unlike "The Steadfast Tin Soldier" this integration of CG actually IS flawless. If I wasn't told that they were computer generated I would have never noticed. It was good work, but unfortunately, the elk sports the only impressive rack in the whole movie. Remember the first Fantasia? There were boobs all over the place, and now? Nothing.

This is especially depressing when the elk awakens the Eternal Green Hippie Chick of Life and Fertility from her hummus-induced slumber at the bottom of a shimmering pool. She's an absolutely gorgeous swooping, draping semi-amorphous feminine figure that kind of just pours over the land, infusing it with all organic, soy-based alternative love. But her chestular region is sadly undefined and non-cleveular. I know what art looks like, and art has nipples... but I digress again…

The animation of the Hippie Chick is just mind wrecking. Try to imagine really really thick Gone With the Wind type curtains turned into a refreshing greenish fluid in the shape of a flying co-ed washing over the countryside leaving behind her a trail of Technicolor Little House on the Prairie vegetation like the Genesis Device from The Wrath of Kahn. I can't even begin to describe it. No matter how many pop culture references I use.

But then what does the Hippie Chick go and do? She plants those Bierkenstock clad feet down in the middle of a dormant volcano and starts pestering a sleeping Lava Monster.

Stupid! Stupid! I don't care if the theme is "death and rebirth," when you see a sleeping Lava Monster you just steer clear of it! End of story!

Anyway, the Lava Monster wakes up and generally begins destroying everything that the Hippie Chick had just rinsed so hard to achieve. Fire, lava, death, destruction, all beautifully animated and colored. Though it's still not as cool as the liquid solidity of the Hippie Chick, it's still pretty darn beautiful.

Still, not as beautiful as the return of the Hippie chick from the ashes to repaint the landscape again in the sequence's, and the film's, final shot.

Fantasia 2000 is simply amazing. It's the kind of film that inspires people to become animators.