Please, don't reveal the secret ending to your friends...

... because it sucks!

Despite all my efforts to deny its existence, the "final" chapter of the Scream "trilogy" came out in theaters this weekend.

For the sake of Kevin Williamson's original vision and all that is right and good with the motion picture industry, I really truly hope that this is the last in the Scream franchise. The posters say "the final chapter," the movie made several references to "the end" and "the trilogy," but I can't help but think of how Friday the 13th Part IV was called "The Final Chapter" and shudder.

I loved the first Scream. LOVED it. I saw it like, every two days when it came out in theaters. I swear, there were a few weeks where every Saturday and Wednesday night I would go and see Scream. It was that good. It was a brilliantly well written whodunit type mystery with slasher elements, mostly in parody form. It was scary and a lot of fun. And not only was it suspenseful the first time, but it had a pantload of rewatchability. After you know who the killers are, then you can go back with this information, see the clues more clearly, and go "Oh yeah! How could I have thought it was Randy? I'm dumb!"

I wasn't terribly fond of Scream 2. Whereas Scream was a mystery pic with slasher elements, Scream 2 was a slasher pic with mystery elements. After you find out who the improbable killers are, you look back and go, "Um... yeah, I guess that makes sense... um... or something... okay, at least their motive was sound... well, for one of them anyway..." It just didn't make you go "Yes! Yes it was THEM! I totally see it now!" Seeing as how there was no real mystery to go back and review a second time, this movie owes any repeat viewing at all entirely to Sarah Michelle Gellar in tight sweaters.

Whereas Scream was a mystery pic with slasher elements, and Scream 2 was a slasher pic with mystery elements, Scream 3 is nothing more than a gory, half-baked Scooby Doo mystery with an unmasking at the end so unsatisfying that you wonder how the producers of the movie could live with themselves for greenlighting it.

The trailer footage is right. In the third movie "all bets are off." I guarantee that if you go into this movie with a theory on who the killer is, you are wrong. I wish I could say that it was because it was so well done, but sadly it is the opposite. The conclusion is so disgustingly illogical that you'll want to write a letter to your congressman demanding its retraction.

And why does every Internet synopsis of this movie start with a phrase to the effect of "After college, Sidney moves to Hollywood and becomes an actress?" Huh? Didn't the person who wrote the press release SEE the movie? That's absolutely NOT what it's about! In this movie Sidney is a recluse hermit, which as far as I can tell is the opposite of Hollywood starlet.

If you've seen the first two, you might as well see the "last" one, if for nothing else than the satisfaction of collecting the whole set. The second film was a pale imitation of the first, and the third film was a pale imitation of the second.

If you'd like to see something original and engaging, you'll probably be wise to skip this one. However, if you are into half-assed, quasi-backwards compatible, inner-franchise script bastardizing, then run, don't walk, to your local cineplex and see Scream 3 today.

Unlike the rest of us, you won't be disappointed.

As I'm sure many of you did, my friends and I had a little "who's the killer" pool going in the weeks preceeding Scream 3.

We each had a good, sound, reasonable footing to stand on too...

Camp A: Sidney

The only thing that could have been more shocking than having Sidney actually DIE in this movie would be to have her be the killer herself.

Sure, why not? After having her mother killed, then being stalked and having all of her friends killed by a ghost faced maniac twice, who's to say that it's not Sidney's turn to be a creative psycho and start slashing up co-eds? At least if she's on the offensive, she can't be the victim, right?

Nope. Too interesting. Camp A loses.

Camp B: Gale Weathers

This one was also very reasonable. In addition to the "been there, been stabbed, lost my mind" motif that Camp A had going on for Sidney, Gale also reaped a HUGE PROFIT from the murders with her book and Stab movies. Not to mention the fact that she shows herself again and again to be a cold, heartless monster of a person. It seems perfectly reasonable that she could have it in her to slap on a white mask and start slashing throats for fun and profit.

Nope. If we had Gale be the killer, then she couldn't hook up with Deputy Dewey again at the end of this movie like she always does. Camp B loses.

Camp C: Randy Meeks

Yes, that's right, Randy.

"But Randy died in Scream 2!"

Exactly! How unpredictable would THAT be? What if it turned out that Randy didn't die after being stabbed in the second episode, but just decided that it was the last straw. He was the only one that knew "the rules!" Without him, everybody else is screwed! Realizing this, and being tired of being ignored, disrespected, and virginal, Randy takes part three into his own hands.

We all saw the video footage of Randy in the trailer. How perfect would that be? He leaves this tape when he "dies" explaining the rules of the trilogy, because he wants to play the game, and he knows damn well that with him dead, nobody would be able to figure out what was "supposed" to happen in the final episode.

Plus, it always bothered me that in Scream 2 Randy says, "If you want to have a successful franchise, you never... EVER..." and then is interrupted by Deputy Dewey, never to finish his thought.

Hello? Does nobody else see this like an open manhole into the story thus far to plug the sanitation truck of the final chapter into?

"If you want to have a successful franchise, you never... EVER... make the death of a main character graphic enough that they couldn't have survived."

"If you want to have a successful franchise, you never... EVER... assume the guy who knows the most will be easy to kill."

"If you want to have a successful franchise, you never... EVER... refuse to have sex with Randy!"

It goes on and on. There was no reason that the killer shouldn't have been Randy.

But it wasn't. No sir. Camp C loses.

So who WAS the killer?

It was some GUY!

Jeez Louise! When he pulled off his mask I was like, "Ohhh, it's... that guy... who was he again?"

You know what Scream 3? If you're going to make a freakin' MYSTERY, you can't introduce important new information that was never even close to being alluded to AFTER the mystery is OVER!

Sidney: Oh my God! The killer is... um... you.
That Guy: That's right Sid, surprised?
Sidney: Yes, actually I am. Who the crap are you?
Guy: Aww, didn't you know that your mother went to Hollywood for three years and had an illegitimate son, who was me, and then I went to see her after I grew up and she didn't want to have anything to do with me, so I killed her!
Sidney: No, I didn't know that... and neither did anybody else in the theater. Plus, you didn't kill my mom you dumbass, Billy and Stu did. Believe me, I was actually in the first movie. I know.
Guy: Ahh, but what you didn't know is that I made Billy and Stu kill your mom. Clever, huh?
Sidney: Nope. Uh-uh. Total rip off. And don't go trying to be all terrifying now, ya moron. Now that the mask is off and we see that you're skinny little loser Hollywood boy, you don't scare us at all. You're no Skeet Ulrich, and you never will be.
Deputy Dewey: (bursting through the secret door) Sidney! Are you okay?
Guy: Ahh, Deputy Dewey, nice to see you could join our little party!
Dewey: Who's he, and why is he trying to sound like Skeet Ulrich?
Sidney: I don't know. Please shoot him in the head for me.
Dewey: Are you sure? I mean, I know it's kind of your trademark and all...
Sidney: The sooner we shoot... um... what was your name again?
Guy: If you check the IMdB, you'll see that my name is "ROMAN!"
Sidney: Right. The sooner you shoot "Roman," the sooner the movie can be over.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! *click* *click* *click*

And what of Randy's rules for the trilogy, huh?

"Even a main character can die, this means you Sid."

Okay, so maybe hoping Sidney would die was asking too much, but did anyone else notice that not a single returning character died in this movie except for Cotton Weary?!

I mean jeez, first off I don't consider anybody who only made an on-TV-screen cameo in the first movie to be a main character. Second, we know the formula. Anybody who shows up before the main credits is dead. No questions asked. There was no buzz in the line outside the theatre, "Oooh, do you think Cotton Weary will get killed in this one?" It was more like once the movie started, everybody was like, "Oh yeah! Remember that guy? He was in the second movie."

They really should have quit while they were ahead. The first movie was a brilliant masterpiece. Not only the sequels, but in fact everything in the genre since then has just been a crappy attempt to recapture that magic. But at least we can now look forward to a few years of Blair Witch wannabes instead.