Not since Small Soldiers has there been a movie that every person I know flat out refused to see with me.

"I can't even sit through an episode of South Park on TV! How am I supposed to sit through an entire movie? Waaaah! Waaaah!"

After seeing South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, I have been led to wonder: Am I too old to be going to see an hour and twenty-three minutes of cinema based purely on fart jokes and curse words, or do I just need to start hanging out with more fourth graders?

Every review that you read for this movie inevitably starts with "For the love of God, man! DO NOT EVER let your children see this movie! Any child coming within five hundred feet of the South Park movie will instantly burn a swastika in their foreheads with a cigar and then rape their sisters, shoot up smack, and blow bubbles in their milk, even after being told not to!"

Well misreviews says screw that. Bring your kids to this movie. It is your duty as a good parent, and this is why:

You know that other kids are going to see it.

Those kids that have parents that aren't as good as you. Parents that don't lock their liquor cabinets. Parents that don't have the foresight to block out Cinemax from their cable boxes before going out of town for the weekend. Parents that let their kids watch Teletubbies, even though it has been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt by reputable Christian watchdog groups that the purple one is as queer as a duck.

And what are these kids going to do?

They're going to talk about it in front of your kid. They're going to say, "Shut your fucking mouth, Uncle Fucka," in front of your darling little angel.

And you know what your darling little angel is going to do?

They're going to laugh, and then they're going to say "Uncle Fucka" too.

But it's not going to mean as much to them. It will be a shallow and empty attempt to look cool in front of the kids who actually are cool. After they hear enough about the movie, your kid will start to tell other kids that they actually saw the movie.

But they didn't. When they sit back and think about how their parents' overprotectiveness has beaten them down to the L-7 loser rank in the grade school caste system, they will start to resent you.

It will be subtle at first. Mouthing off. A certain detachment in the way they eat their peas.

If left unchecked, before long, your perfect little future doctorlawyer will be knocking over liquor stores and going to Rob Zombie's house to eat human flesh.

Anyhoo, I try to make these little reviews funny and quirky, but I've got to admit, for pure hilarity per column inch, I can't beat the review by the Childcare Action Project:

*South Park* is an *incredibly dangerous* movie for those who do not understand or are developing an understanding of the Gospel ....... INCREDIBLY dangerous."

Dangerous? Oh pah-leeeeeze.

Off color? Certainly! Offensive? Hells yes! But dangerous? Give me a break.

I'm glad that there are people like this out there to protect the minds of our youth as if they're Tupperware containers about to be irrevocably stained by the Ragu meat sauce of dumb cartoons.

It's just a movie! And a stupid movie at that! I can personally guarantee that your faith in the word of God will not be shaken by an image of Satan in bed with Saddam Hussein.

Really.

And the really comical thing about the whole situation is that all of the hoopla about this movie comes down to one thing and one thing only:

This movie is animated.

Poorly.

If this exact same movie had come out in 1976 in live action directed by Mel Brooks, it would play on a Saturday afternoon on HBO and Ma and Pa America would let their kids watch it without so much as batting a concerned eyelash.

But it's ANIMATED! Animation=Disney! Disney is GOOD for kids! Animation should teach valuable lessons! Lessons like "It's bad to shoot monkeys, but it's okay to celebrate when a very evil man accidentally hangs himself."

Sorry, that wasn't meant as a slam on Disney, it was meant as a slam on the American Mommy Association. I'm just so used to slamming Disney...

The AMA who believes that anything animated, no matter how poorly, should be on the level of Yo Yogi!—completely vanilla smooth with no harsh edges or naughty situations that might make their kids think for five seconds.

Hmmm, I seem to have stopped reviewing the movie. I hate it when this happens.

Long story short, the South Park movie was just like any South Park episode, but more so.

The first quarter is hilarious. Even more than it is on TV, because they can do and say anything they like. And they do.

The problem is, for the last three quarters of the movie, they keep doing the same shtick.

And it gets dull.

That is not to say that there aren't lots of funny parts throughout, but for the most part, once you've heard Kyle call Cartman a "fat assed fuck" once, you've heard Kyle call Cartman a "fat assed fuck" a million times.

Take your kids to see this movie. Talk to them about it when it's over.

You'll feel better knowing exactly what all the fuss is about, and although they might not realize it as such, your kids will respect you for treating them like humans.

And plus you might even like it.

Kenny dies.