Before you even start reading, I'm going to warn you that this review is going to suck. I mean, if there's one thing that really makes me want to whip out a rip-snortin' good comedy review it's watching the most depressing movie that I've ever seen in my life.

Any critic who gives this movie the one-word, commercial-friendly review of "uplifting" obviously considers long, drawn-out scenes of drawling characters trudging through hour after plodding hour of filthy 1930s prison life to be a beautiful, spiritual experience.

To me, The Green Mile is all about one word. That one little four letter word that's so hard to say...

Edit.

I swear, I can't remember the last movie I saw that was this long and didn't star Kevin Costner. I think I would have liked The Green Mile a lot more if it had been an hour and twenty minutes shorter.

As far as I'm concerned, the film's biggest flaw is that its sheer girth forces it into a series of maddeningly predictable events. The director just gives you SO MUCH TIME to think about what's going to happen that by the time that any given "surprise" plot twist actually occurs, you've already been expecting it for a half hour.

We start with an old guy with big ears telling the story of something that happened to him many many years ago when he used to be Tom Hanks. It seems it was the thick of World War II and he had to save Matt Damon from the Nazis and...

No wait, that was something else…

This old guy used to be Tom Hanks when he was a prison guard at Cold Mountain Penitentiary. Hanks is the death row guard with the heart of gold and a urethra of fire. Okay, he's a good guy. And he can't pee to save his life. We get it. Oh wait, he's still a good guy? Okay. A good guy. Got it. Let's move on. Wait, oh I get it, it hurts when he takes a whiz. Okay. End of hour one.

Now if you don't know anything about The Green Mile at all, the rest of this review is probably going to be riddled with spoiler. If you absolutely haven't the slightest inkling of a clue in regards to what this movie is going to be about (outside of the fact that it features Tom Hanks in excruciatingly long draining-the-lizard sequences) you might want to pop a couple of Prozac and go and check out The Green Mile.

However, if you are like me and you tend to have the most rudimentary understanding of what a movie is going to be about before you shell out your five bucks and fake student ID...

...you undoubtedly know that movie is going to feature "Michael Clarke Duncan as a Death Row murderer in a Southern prison who possesses the unusual gift of healing." That's too much information already. You're a good hour and a half into the movie before you pass the box office.

Duncan's character's name is John Coffey. With the unusual gift of healing. Get it? John Coffey, J.C., Jesus Christ? Get it? Get it? If not, don't worry. You'll get about forty-five minutes to let it sink in.

So ol' J.C. is in the can for raping and murdering little cutie pie twin girls. But he's so gentle! How could he have done that? Why didn't he use his unusual gift of healing to help those girls? Oh well, since he was found with the two dead girls in those big medicinal arms of his, he must have killed them. It's a shame he didn't try to help them though. Oh well, filthy murderer.

And then there's Percy Wetmore, the nasty sadistic prison guard that does nasty sadistic things between bouts of extreme prissy cowardice. It's a shame that he'll never get his comeuppance. Never! I mean, if you spend all your time pissing off death row convicts, there's no way that anything can EVER go wrong for you. You're going to be enjoying your retirement on a tropical beach, guaranteed.

But wait, the Warden has a pig that can talk! No! The Warden's wife is sick! A tragic, painful kind of sick deep inside of her brain that can't be operated on. If only there was a messiah around to heal her. Oh well. Guess she's gonna die in two hours. Shit happens you know.

Man, I'm depressed. I wish there was something cute in this movie that would fetch a spool. Hey look! It's a MOUSE! A sweet, furry, lovable, huggable, Stewart Little fuzzball that Mousehunts those wacky prison guards for thirty-five whole minutes!

Contact Alien Guy - Hey, looka what we got there. It's a new prison guard.
(pause)
Tom Hanks - Where? Where's a new guard?
Contact Guy - Right there, don't you see him?
(pause)
Tom Hanks - No, I don't see him. Where?
(pause)
Contact Guy - Right there.
Tom Hanks - Hey, that's a mouse.
(pause)
Contact Guy - It sure is.
(pause)
Tom Hanks - Let's give it some food.
Contact Guy - I don't think we should.
Tom Hanks - Sure, why not. It's a mouse so let's give it food.
(pause)
Contact Guy - Okay.
(pause)
Tom Hanks - Okay then.
(Tom Hanks gives the mouse some food.)
(pause)
(The mouse eats the food. Close up. Cute.)
(pause)
Contact Guy - He's eatin' it.
(pause)
Tom Hanks - Yep.

Aw look, the French guy loves the mouse. He names him Mr. Jingles. I sure hope nothing bad ever happens to that mouse.

Just when you're beginning to wonder if there are any actual bad guys scheduled to be executed, we meet "Billy the Kid," the most ornery inmate this side of the guy who really did kill Andy Dufresne's wife. Any bets on what becomes of him? Anyone? Anyone?

This one actually took me by surprise due to its super-concentrated contrivance. It turns out that in addition to having the power to heal, J.C. also has the power to flashback to events that he wasn't at. Really. Through this gift he shows Tom Hanks how it was actually Billy who killed the twin girls, not him.

As Babs Bunny used to say, "How conveeeeeeeenient!"

John Coffey is clearly an innocent miracle worker who has as much business in the electric chair as does Jesus Chris... oh wait... I get it! He's a martyr! Wow, I sure am uplifted now. I feel like I might cry, but still, good movie. Where's my coat?

But wait, I forgot about the old man and the bookending. Okay, so he's still alive at age 108 because John Coffey showed him the miracle flashback and infected him with longevity. He's outlived his wife and all of the other characters that we've grown to love. That's really sad. Okay, tears are welling up. Good movie. Pick up the popcorn tub before I go...

Still more? Hey look! Mr. Jingles is still alive! More Coffey magic! He's old and gray and slow, but he can still fetch that spool. That yanks the crap out of my heartstrings. Lips are quivering. Good movie. Looking at my watch...

Now what?! The old lady that was apparently introduced just to be more tear fodder passes away just like Hanks said she would. Okay! Alright! I'm bawling OKAY?! Good freakin' movie! Can it be OVER NOW?

First Man on the Moon and now this. What am I doing looking at "Oscar material?" I should know by now that I just don't get it. Man, I just want to sit in a corner and bang my head into the wall until I die after this movie marathon.