The Haunting was the shittiest movie-based-on-effects since Godzilla. This movie not only sucked ass, but it sucked and sucked until it had enveloped the entire ass like that kid with the straw and the Pepsi bottle.

According to our friends at moviefone.com, this movie has a running time of 177 minutes. I don't know what I ever did to moviefone.com to make them want to lie to me, but I swear this film ran for at least six hours... maybe more.

I want you to spend those six hours more wisely than I did, so I will now give you The Haunting in a convenient, super short, bite-sized format.

The film starts in the projects, where Lili Taylor is being confronted for some reason by some people. One of them could be her sister, the other one could be her sister's husband, and the third could be their kid. I think the word "sister" may have been used once, but the rest is pure conjecture.

Sisterish person - Since mom just died, you are now going to lose your apartment for some unexplained reason, and I don't care because I'm a cold heartless bitch.

Lili - Wait, did you just say "mom," and not "your mom"?

Sisterish - Hey, I think I did. Did that sound natural?

Lili - I guess. You must be my sister then.

Sisterish - Hey, how about that. Anyway, this little monster who may or may not be my kid is going to start smashing your spinster curio cats into powder now whilst I reiterate that you are about to lose your apartment for some reason so there, so ha.

Lili - Who are you people?

Audience - Who are these people? Where's the freakin' haunted house? Boooo!

Then we see a sweeping exterior shot of Hill House. Spooky.

Cut to Dr. Qui-Gon Jinn of the Jedi Institute for Compaq Product Placement.

From behind a fine Compaq MV920 Monitor (retail value $599 at compaq.com), Qui-Gon tells us of his plan to take a bunch of insomniacs out to a swingin' little hundred and twenty room love shack called Hill House, where he'll pretend to do an insomnia study on them, but he'll really just try to scare the living snot out of them, and time permitting, put their hands in warm water while they sleep so that they'll wet the bed.

Crusty Old White Guy - But Qui-Gon! You can't do that, it ain't ETHICAL!

Qui-Gon - But Crusty, you can't tell the rats they're in the maze.

Crusty - Wow! Good quote! Let's use that one in the trailer!

Qui-Gon - Saaaay, nice monitor...

Audience - Booooo! Where's the haunted house!? Where's Catherine?

Finally, we get to see Hill House, and before long we meet the rest of the kooky kids from the experiment...

But not before another sweeping view of the outside of Hill House. Spooky.

First there's the caretaker and his wife. They are introduced to recite some canned dialogue fished out of Stephen King's paper shredder and then disappear into town never to be seen again.

Then there's Catherine Zeta-Jones, stumbling through her role with all the grace and poise of a high school cheerleader who scored the lead role in the school play by blowing the faculty advisor.

Lili - Wow, it sure must be all exciting and stuff to be all exciting and stuff like you. I'm such a lamo. Some bitch who claims to be my sister is taking my apartment. Sad sad sad.

Catherine - Yeah, my life sucks too. I have a boyfriend who is a boy, and a girlfriend who is a girl. Does it get you hot that I'm implying that I'm bi?

Lili - No.

Catherine - I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the seventh grader in the third row who has been spanking his monkey to me since The Phantom.

Seventh Grader - Mmmmfmffff!

Catherine - Anyway, I'm a bi-sexual slut. Not that I will do anything even remotely sensual in this movie from this point on, but I thought it was important character development to mention it and some stuff.

Cut to a sweeping view of the exterior of Hill House. Spooky.

Then Dignan and the good Dr. Qui-Gon and entourage show up.

The doctor's assistants are introduced only long enough to be removed from the story ten minutes later. Hello? Can you say edit? This script is as tight as the Jackson family.

Unphased in the slightest bit by a popped harpsichord string slashing through his assitant's face like Ron Popeil through an aluminum can, the Doctor begins his cunning experiment.

Qui-Gon - Okay rats, you're not in a maze. This is an INSOMNIA study, not a study of me scaring the bejeebers out of you. Anyway, this house was built by an insane old man who looks like a Zoobilie Zoo character who brought a bunch of kids up here and something something scary wife scary something something.

Lili - Well I sure am scared.

Catherine - Me too, scared shitless, but I'm crazy! We're all crazy! I'm an actress! Wheee! Is this good Jan? We're all crazy. Yay!

Dignan - Hey, hey, shh, shh, shh. Come on. Be sensitive to the fact that other people are not comfortable talking about emotional disturbances. Um, you know, I am, I'm fine with that, but... other people.

Qui-Gon - Okay rats, if everybody is all good and scared, let's look for cheese.

Exterior. Sweeping. Spooky.

Then the effects come in. Scary walls, babies in curtains, wall carvings that come to life, blah blah blah. And it all would have been so much scarier if the whole time I hadn't been thinking "Hey, isn't this the same house from Casper?

And then it just continues to suck.

Even though I implore you not to see this movie, I am still going to move the rest of this synopsis into the spoiler lounge, partially out of respect for the reader, but mostly just because I hate to leave it empty.

Don't see this movie. It sucks.

Sweeping exterior shot of Hill House to...

...spoilers.

We find out that Lili has been summoned to Hill House by the children spirits that are trapped in the house.

Children Spirits - Find us, Lili! Find us!

Lili - But where are you?

Audience - Oh for Christ's sake! They're in the fireplace! Just find the goddamned bones in the fireplace and WRAP THIS SHIT UP!

Blah blah blah, blah blah blah, walls grow hands, blah blah, painting changes to skull like Disney's Haunted Mansion, blah blah blah, sweeping exterior shot of Hill House, blah blah blah.

Then we finally, at long last, get our thrilling conclusion. The ending is worth the wait, because it really wraps everything up coherently.

Lili - Okay, so the cheery wolflike beast Ukraine built this mansion 130 years ago to fill with kids but his wife couldn't have kids so she died or hanged herself or something and then he took kids from his mill and put them in the house and may or may not have killed them or something and then there was also a second wife who had a kid that was my great great grandmother and that's why I can fight the steel Gryphon with a stick and why this room looks just like my dead mother's room.

Qui-Gon - What the FUCK?!

If you're interested in haunted house movies, I recommend checking out Pamela Franklin in The Legend of Hell House instead.

Hell House isn't scary either, but at least you get to see sweet Pammy get naked, and that's a million times more satisfying than all the special effects that Dreamworks can pull from their collective buttocks.