If you only see one homosexual animated musical this year, make it The Road to El Dorado.

Okay, so maybe I'm being a little extreme. I must admit, the two main characters in this movie actually weren't as gay as I had anticipated. Sure they were fruity, but they came off no more fancy than the Goofy Gophers from the old Warner cartoons. But that's a whole other tangent I don't want to run off on right now...

Oh stop acting shocked and get off your politically correct high horse. Admit it, from the first time you saw the preview with waify Tulio in his little vest and Old Navy capri pants and Miguel with his broad, hairless, exposed chest and Pantene hair you were thinking, "apparently the road to El Dorado runs parallel to Santa Monica Boulevard."

Plunk the two of them down on a white stallion named after some kind of Phillips-Magnavox digital recorder and you've got the poster boys for the Spanish Pink Triangle Squad.

But before I get too far ahead of myself, I feel obligated to mention once again the preview for Disney's muli-million dollar prehistoric folly that simply calls itself Dinosaur. From this new trailer we really get a feel for what the movie is about rather than simply an abortive attempt to wow us with 1994 style dinosaur effects. Apparently the movie is about a dinosaur named "Simba" who is separated from the other dinosaurs and is brought up by a bunch of monkeys named "Kala" and "Kerchak."

And if the inclusion of the line, "You need some advice from the love monkey" is any indication of the rest of the dialogue, Disney should expect a major drop in... oh who am I kidding, Disney could put out a movie that was eight hours of Glen Keane's most interesting used tissues and it would still gross a hundred million dollars domestic.

Anyway, El Dorado. Right.

I'm not exactly what age group El Dorado was shooting for, but I must admit that a lot of things didn't turn out exactly as I thought they would from the first minute of the movie. You know, not like "Oh, that guy has a barrel chest and a shotgun, he's the bad guy, he'll end up accidentally killing himself at the end of the film so that the hero can get the girl without getting any blood on his pretty hands."

In fact, I was surprised just how little "Governor Ratcliffe in Spanish armor" actually affected the story at all. Instead the story was really driven by the two heroes' greed for wealth, while the whole "good vs. evil" thing just kept butting in like an annoying kid with a fudgesickle in line behind you at Six Flags.

Tulio: Let's see how can we get all that shiny wonderful gold back to our faboo condo in Spain?
Miguel: Hmm, maybe if we get them to build us a boat. Oooh, yes! A sailboat called the Dorothy Gale! Get it?
Tzekel-Kan: Hey hey! (dripping fudge goo on Tulio' s shoe) You wanna make a human sacrifice?
Tulio: Oooh! A boat! You're a genius! I'll be the Captain and you can be my "first mate."
Miguel: Tee-hee! We'll be the two richest queens in Europe!
Tzekel-Kan Hey! Hey hey! (Climbing the rails and falling choco-face first onto Miguel's back) I wanna make a sacrifice! Doncha wanna make a sacrifice! Hey!
Miguel: You little bitch! This is silk! You're paying for the dry cleaning! And no, you can't sacrifice anything, so cut it out!
Tulio: When we get on those bumper cars, your ass is mine!
Miguel: Tee-hee! So what else is new?

And speaking of Tzekel-Kan (not just a high priest, but also a traditional Jewish pancake!), I thought that his animation was outstanding. He really looked solid, like you could just grab his big toothy head and squeeze it and it wouldn't bend or squash. We'll forgive the fact that he looks just like the bad guy from Hunchback who happened to be animated by the same person.

On an unrelated note, did it strike anybody else as unusual that the El Doritos understood the value of their gold? I mean, everything from their buildings to their plumbing to their toothbrushes are made out of gold, but when it's time to offer a sacrifice to the Gods, they offer big buckets of gold.

Isn't the value of gold a result of its rarity? It would be like the people of Seattle offering up Starbucks Coffee to their Gods. Add to that the fact that they believe that the gold came from the Gods in the first place, and the whole thing just turns into an empty gesture.

"To honor you for creating this city and all this durn gold, we're tossin' it right back atcha. Danke!"

I was reminded of the episode of Alf where Alf realizes that the gold pipes in his spaceship are extremely valuable here on Earth, and he goes out and buys himself a convertible Ferrari to cruise around in. Then again, my mind is an ever-twisting labyrinth of useless crap.

And what of the love interest? Of course. Dreamworks knows its stuff. If you're going to make an all gay animated adventure, you've got to throw in a beard to maintain plausible deniability for the Limbaugh crowd.

"No no, Mr. and Ms. Mediapress! They're not GAY! What about Chel, the pre-Columbian hottie? Remember that part? Remember when her and Tulio were doin' it? Would a gay man do that? I think not!"

Fortunately for all involved, Chel didn't have much to say. How Rosie Perez got hired to voice anything but a feisty Chihuahua on a Midol bender is beyond me. Whenever she says more than four words at a time, you just see Rosie Perez in your head and get knocked out of the movie like being hit in the head with a kickball.

... watchin' the movie ... watchin' the movie ... wow, look at that city of gold ... watchin' the movie ... say, who's the hottie with the loincloth ... oh, it's Rosie Perez ... I remember her in White Men Can't Jump ... jeez, she was annoying in that movie ... Woody Harrelson was good in it though ... I always liked him on Cheers ... like that episode where Frasier hypnotized him and he became addicted to Veggie Boy juice ... that was funny ... oh wait, I'm still watching El Dorado ... what's going on? ...

In short, is The Road to El Dorado good?

Yes, it is. I mean, it's no Prince of Egypt, but it does have its moments. It's well done, it's originalish, and the two main characters really had a chemistry with each other.

'Cause they were gay.