This review was submitted by the Truthbringer, misinformer fan and bringer of truth.

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Allergy warning: this review may contain spoilers, or may have been manufactured in a facility that processes spoilers. Discression is advised for those of you who, for some reason, have been saving yourselves for the DVD.

— Marcus

One word comes to mind when I think about seeing this movie.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

For the love of all that is Holy and good in the world, why was this movie made? Dear God WHY!!!!! And you know what the worst part was? SITTING THROUGH IT! Oh the cheesiness of it all. The pain of it all.

Every word muttered in this flick could have been used as a recorded line in the talking action figures. The tag line for the movie should have been: THE SCORPION KING. Every Word The Rock Utters Is A Catch-Phrase

Okay, so lets start shall we? We open with beautiful shots of the beautiful Himalayan mountains. We get another shot of the pretty clouds for exactly .002 seconds before we cut to the mug of a killer with a scar over his eye. Been there, done that.

So now everyone's favorite Mutant, Taylor Mane is taunting this poor Arcadian Assassin they've captured. Ooh, the taunting. Bad news? Mathayus (The Rock) is this guys brother. Now when you say brother do you mean brother as in very close friends who think alike, or brother as in both your mom and dad did the "Ehh ehh, ehh ehh ehh. Ehh ehh, ehh ehh ehh"?

So now we see Mathayus climbing the side of the mountain with a rock tied to his waist. In order to signify that this is The Rock? I guess, maybe, I don't know. So then The Rock tosses his boulder down a stone hall and for some reason it causes an explosion that knocks half the bad guys on their asses. But not without leaving enough so that The Rock can show of his giant nipples. THE ROCK: Look at these nipples! You can eat off of 'em'!

After knocking some bad guys heads WWF style he turns to the captive and says, "It's a good thing we have the same mother." Someone please shoot a Q-Tip into my ear at high velocity.

So on to the real story. You mean there's a real story? Other than The Rock kicking varieties of ass? Unfortunately, yes.

Mentos, I mean Memnon, is the ultimate Bad-Guy. He can swing swords, catch arrows with his hands, and kick the ass of the Japanese. Ooh, he's tough. Healsohasasorcerresswhocanpredictthefuturesothereforehehassneverlostabattleinhislife. But that's not really important.

The many surviving clans that haven't had their asses handed to them are plotting against Memnon in order to take him out. And who should be a key player in this plot of vengeance? Attar. I mean Michael Clarke Duncan. As he moans, and groans about how he is King in his land, and demonstrates how strong he is, the Arcadians show up. *Whew* Thank God. They are being paid to collect a bounty on Memnon's Sorceress. Unfortunately, everyone thinks that she's a he. Whaaa, whaaa.

So now that we've established just who everyone is, and why they're doing what they do we move on to the real comedy. Was it meant to be comedy? All signs point to no.

Mathayus, his brother, and some other Arcadian who is just along for the ride in order to be killed horribly, sneak up on Memnon's camp. His entire army is there, and they're chillin' for the night. Mathayus and his gang of Keystone Cops try to sneak up on them so as to kill them silently. First order of business, take out the guards as brutally as possible so as their screams of pain and agony will alert the entire camp to their position. And they're also swinging giant metal blades attached to heavy steel chains.

How the hell are you supposed to sneak up on someone when you've got a giant steel chain rattling over your head? Wouldn't you hear that? I can hear my keys rattling in my pockets. But luck is with Mathayus as the guards are dumb. Dumber than him. And they get taken out one by one.

Second order of business, sneak into the camp Miami Vice style. With lots of somersaults and watching the other guy's back as you make you way through the camp in a crouched position. Too bad that doesn't work though. A tent flap opens up and there's a ton of bad guys with bows and arrows ready to fire. Mathayus leaps Jedi style onto the top of a nearby tent while his brother and the other guy are filled with arrows.

It's at this point that metallic straps come out of the seats and wrap around your body preventing any hope of escape.

Mathayus penetrates the tent and is about to murder the Sorcerer until he turns around and reveals himself to be a she. D'oh?

"You've been betrayed Mathayus." She speaks. But she's a few apples too late as the royal guards burst into the tent and take him hostage. Memnon arrives and talks a bit about the Arcadians, and their high tolerance for pain.

REMEMBER THAT! ARCADIANS HAVE HIGH TOLERANCE FOR PAIN.

Memnon slashes Mathayus's brother's throat and then takes Mathayus out into the desert where he is buried up to his neck in the sand, awaiting a gruesome death by fire ants. After much escaping and talking, we find out that Memnon is going to invade the west and finally bring all the tribes of the land into his rule. Mathayus has something else to say about that. Much heroic and comic deeds later, Mathayus kidnaps the Sorceress and makes off with her into the desert.

Memnon must have his Sorceress back and has his best captain go out and find her. But not before giving him an arrow dipped in scorpion venom. Can't see where this is going. The guards chase Mathayus into the desert. A sandstorm is approaching so Mathayus tells the Sorceress to take cover while he dons a Batman: Year One mask and goes to take charge.

The sandstorm hits, and because Mathayus is wearing his mask he can see and hear perfectly while the Guard's stumble in the blowing sand. But they're not so blind as to not notice a cave where Mathayus has ran into. They are mere seconds behind Mathayus but they fall into booby traps that he's set up. Advanced traps that he put together in a couple seconds. The kind where the rope closes around your foot and drags you through salt acid while crocodiles snap at your head right before you plummet down the side of a cliff with pointy jagged rocks. IN MERE SECONDS!

Mathayus emerges from the cave after slaughtering the poor guys without mercy, only to be stabbed in the thigh with the scorpion arrow by the last few seconds of the captain's life. As Mathayus is stabbed he roars out a terrible: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! So that's what a high tolerance for pain sounds like.

The Sorceress heals Mathayus by straddling him... and so forth. But he will always have the blood of the scorpion flowing in his veins. *Gasp* So that's where the name comes from. I get it... No, no I don't get it. Sorry.

Mathayus and company are kidnapped in the desert by Michael Clarke Duncan's gang. Back at the new camp him and Mathayus duke it out center ring style. Ultimately Mathayus wins (duh!) and brings the large band of pirates, murderers, and rapists together to take out Memnon once and for all.

The grand climax of the movie is Mathayus and Memnon sword fighting for all they're worth. But just in case two swords alone weren't enough to kill Mathayus, Memnon dips them into oil and sets them on fire. Just in case. Are you kidding me? That's like setting bullets on fire. Even if they're not on fire, they're still going to kill you.

Mathayus is knocked of a ledge and is shot with another arrow. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! There's that wonderful tolerance for pain coming back again.

Now weak, Mathayus grabs his bow and arrow and rockets one straight at Memnon, but not before muttering "Catch this." Memnon is shot through the chest, and plummets to his fiery death. By the grace of God, this movie is over.

FINAL ANALYSIS: The Rock really wanted this movie to be the next Conan. And I think he might actually get what he wants, seeing as how there is talk for an even crappier sequel. This movie is filled with some of the cheesiest, corniest, and utterly ridiculous concepts ever.

Like this for example: a scientist guy (Played by upcoming Two Towers actor Bernard Hill), who creates gunpowder and helps Mathayus by blowing a pillar underneath Memnon's city. This single pillar is the weight baring pillar that holds up the entire city. I repeat, this single pillar holds up an entire city.

There were also some of the worst editing I've ever seen. Twice in the movie was something there for not even a second before we cut away and saw something else. Is this a family vacation video we're watching, or what is supposed to be a professional movie? I cannot believe that the Universal Studio Execs actually allowed this movie to be released with those two horribly obvious jump cuts.

But the real question is this. Can The Rock act? Sure. He's acts as well as Arnold Schwarzenneger, or Jean Claude Van Damme, or Roberto Benigni. All this movie was a chance for The Rock do some wrestling moves that aren't permitted in the ring. Like sword swinging, and arrow launching.

If this movie was to actually entertain us, well, better luck next time. Please God, better luck next time.