Retro Trivia Quiz 2010

Q. What do Dexy's Midnight Runners and M. Knight Shylamalamadingdong have in common?

A. They were both one hit wonders. ("Come on Eileen"- 1983, The Sixth Sense - 1999)

That's right. In this reviewer's opinion, if Unbreakable is any indication of things to come, M. Knight Shaveandahaircut is destined to go the way of Gerardo ("Rico Suave," 1991). He will be remembered only for that one bright, shining, seemingly accidental accomplishment that put his name on the world's lips for an all too brief moment before plunging into the realm of Dennis Miller fodder obscurity.

It takes a special gift to make a movie that's only an hour and forty-five minutes long seem like it lasts ten hours. Paul Thomas Anderson has this gift, and it now appears that M. Knight Saymynamebitch does as well. I guess in film school he doubled up on Twist Ending 101, and skipped a whole semester of "Pacing for Dummies." A little tip from misreviews to the future film makers of the world: Try to make at least one thing happen in every single scene. It helps to pass the time for the audience.

You've seen the slow, syrupy paced preview that they've been showing for the past six months. Bruce Willis is in the hospital, and the doctor... so... slowly... explains to him that he is not only the sole survivor of a train wreck, but that there's not a scratch on him. Then Samuel L. Jackson shows up with this off-kilter What's Happening!! fro and says, "Know one thing... a hundred and thirty one people died ... so that you could finally understand... the destiny... for which you were born. Are you ready for the truth, mothafucka?"

Okay, got it. Bruce Willis is unbreakable. He is unable to be broken. If something is going to break, you can bet your fifty-cent barber shop comb that it's not gonna be Bruce Willis. But your interest is piqued. Exactly why is Bruce Willis unbreakable, and what is this destiny that Mace Windu speaks of?

I'm sorry to say that the movie only answers .5 of these questions, and it takes its sweet ass time to even do that.

I've heard people say that the smarter you are, the more you will like Unbreakable. If that's true, then I'm proud to be the Village Idiot.

I think what these people mean is that stuck up, DVD-commentary film snobs are required to like this film for fear of being sneered at as some kind of an Adam-Sandler-loving booger-eater by the others in their clique.

"You say you didn't like Unbreakable? Are you kidding? It's brilliant. It's by the guy who did The Sixth Sense. That was a great movie. I love M. Knight Salmonella's work. You probably just didn't get it. You should try something a little more intellectually 'low key' like Big Momma's House."

I can tell you this entire movie in four sentences, so if you want to save the two hours and seven bucks, skip to the spoiler lounge. I don't recommend Unbreakable. As much as it pains me to say it, I actually liked The Grinch better. And for those of you paying attention, I didn't like The Grinch.

I see dead careers.

As far as I can tell, Unbreakable was written by taking the plot of The Sixth Sense and search/replacing the text to make Bruce Willis be the kid who sees dead people. Let me show you.

Start of movie: There's something different about Bruce/Kid who sees dead people. The audience isn't supposed to know what it is, but since they have seen the previews, they do. Bruce is unbreakable, the kid who sees dead people can see dead people. Lots of people whisper. Scenes move slowly. Audience wonders when we're gonna get to the part where Bruce finds out he's unbreakable/the kid can see dead people.

About halfway through movie: There is a big breakthrough where the audience "finds out" the big plot point that was in the trailer. More people whisper.
"I see dead people."
"God dammit, I KNOW you see dead people! Get on with it!"
"I'm unbreakable."
"I KNOW you're unbreakable. I want to know WHY!"

End of movie: The amazing plot twist. I don't want to come off like I'm dumping on The Sixth Sense. I really did think it was a GREAT movie, and it had a kick-ass, Twilight Zone style plot twist ending.

Unbreakable, however, did not.

As opposed to the "Guess what, you're a dead guy" showstopper conclusion of The Sixth Sense, at the end of Unbreakable, we find out that Mr. Breakable, in an effort to find Mr. Unbreakable, caused several major disasters and killed hundreds of Pennsylvanians.

What the hell, Samuel L? In your terrorist quest to find this "super hero" that you theorize exists, did it ever occur to you that there are like six billion people on Earth? Maybe killing Philadelphian commuters alone isn't gonna weed him out? Then again, it did, so what do I know about being a supervillain...

Oh yeah, I know that supervillains are intent on world domination. That's pretty much day one, class one of supervillain school. Mr. Glass is the first criminal mastermind that I've ever heard of who's sole evil mission is to search out the super hero who will stop him. He should team up with The Riddler. That way Samuel can find the super heroes, and then Riddler can tell said heroes exactly where and when they're going to strike.

Anyway, here's that four line synopsis I promised you.

1. There's a big train wreck, and Bruce Willis doesn't die in it because he's unbreakable.

2. Despite Samuel L. Jackson's pleas, Bruce Willis refuses to believe he's unbreakable.

3. Finally, Bruce Willis thwarts a crime, because he finally believes that he's unbreakable.

4. It turns out that Samuel L. Jackson actually caused the train wreck in an effort to find somebody who was unbreakable.

Pad each step with about thirty minutes of slow slow action and whispered dialogue, and there's your Unbreakable.

Don't fret, M. Knight Stalagmite. I hear Animotion is looking for a new drummer...