"Geez Marcus, two guest reviews in a row? Don't you even see movies anymore?"

I saw Serving Sara last night. The less said about it, the better.

Now, on to Timb the Enchanter's review of xXx.

— Marcus

First those trailers. When I saw xXx, there were two generic action film trailers (who cares), one 007 trailer, and then there was some chick flick on there called Sweet Home Alabama. I was like, "What the hell is this all about? Who do they think is in here watching this right now that wants to see this movie?"

Then I remembered that this is a "Guy's Movie for Guys who like Movies" or however that Turnerism goes. There were bound to be some unhappy girls there that had been dragged along, against their free-will, to this testosterone-fest by idiot boyfriends. I could totally see them turning to these boyfriends, and in surround-sound stereo, they all say simultaneously: "I came to see this piece of crap with you, so you have to go see this movie with me when it comes out. So there. So ha."

God damn you, Hollywood. Damn you to hell.

At least I have a girlfriend that hates all that mooshy crap and would rather see some slimy alien movie with me than suffer some "romantic comedy" with a dumb animal joke at the end of its trailer.

Now on to the movie.

I want to say first that when I went into the theater I really thought this movie was going to suck like nothing has ever sucked before. Secondly, let me say that it's a great honor and a pleasure to review this amazing action film.

xXx plays out like a 007 movie mixed with a Mountain Dew commercial.

If only this film had been developed in the thick of the XTREME marketing of the late '90s, they could have done a special marketing deal with SURGE, Coca-cola's fully loaded soda, which could have possibly made this the greatest action movie ever.

This is a story about Vin Diesel, an extreme sports activist who pulls dangerous illegal stunts, like stealing sports cars from congressmen and driving them off of bridges, and his run-in with the secret American government agencies that bend him over and ream his ass like it's never been reamed before. Then they send him to some evil place to infiltrate some evil dudes that are going to destroy the world in some evil way, yadda yadda yadda, right? They hook him up with truckloads of toys and weapons, and he gets to score with some hot black chick that doesn't even have a single freakin' line in the film.

This is really similar to a 007 movie, given all the chicks and gadgets and spy work, but you will notice that every element of extreme sports is worked into the plot of this film. You have parasailing, sky diving, snowboarding, and even skateboarding... sorta. You will find yourself yelling "SURGE!" at the screen in the tradition of the extreme advertisements about ten times in each scene. Vin Diesel should have had the old, splattery SURGE logo tattooed somewhere on his neck.

I was impressed by Samuel L. Jackson in his role as a slightly-charred suit monkey for the CIA. He bosses Vin Diesel around like the punk bitch that he is, all the while puckering up to the ready and waiting butt of Uncle Sam.

There's also this swingin' Eastern European club that I really want to go to sometime. The party technology in Eastern Europe must be ten years ahead of ours. Its amazing how everyone there looks sexy and all their clothes are hot, especially compared to the lame crap we have over here. Somebody send me on vacation!

But, for me, the real selling point in this film was the character played by Asia Argentino, a bitchy domineering spy-type with a gorgeous Russian (or something) accent, almost as enticing as her sultry demeanor. She was the kind of girl that you would crawl to over broken glass just so she could kick you in the face. And then you would come crawling back thanking her and begging for another.

At one point, the person behind me complained that my erection was obstructing their view.

But seriously folks.

The ending was all right, though maybe not quite as exciting as some of the earlier stuff in the film, but all in all, this was a great summer movie with a lot of great action. If you're expecting something deep and meaningful then you are hopelessly retarded. You need to know what ticket you're buying at the box office and check your sneer at the door.

Remember the rule: dumb action movies are cool. This movie has a lot of improbable stunts and bad one-liners, and lots of explosions and ass-kicking spy-killing goodness. Just the sort of thing that we love around here at misinformer.

I actually would go so far as to say that I enjoyed this movie better than any 007 movie I've seen in recent history. Vin Diesel is sort of a monkey, but he has a lot of charisma just on his own, and probably more than any Bond after Sean Connery.

Coming soon will be the xXx drinking game, where you drink your weight in SURGE and try to make it through the two hours without getting up to pee.

Oh and by the way, Vin Diesel says you should SAVE SURGE!

Filming in the Czech republic really gave this movie one of the only venues I can think of that is both exotic and lends itself well to all of the extreme sports that xXx shamelessly covers.

I really liked the avalanche scene, and I think the moment of dead silence was a nice touch. Everyone in the theater was leaning in towards the screen.

The ending was all right, but not nearly as eventful as I was hoping. The boat was sort of a dumb plot thing that was overly-elaborate, and of course when he disarms it, he's okay, and everything is great and happy.

A very 007 ending to be sure, especially when he's sipping a margarita in Bora Bora. I like how they actually filmed that fifteen second scene in Bora Bora instead of just faking it in Orange County or whatever. I guess it just had to be on location so that the cast and crew could soak up the rays for a few weeks while leisurely shooting that tiny scene on the very end of the film that really didn't even need to be there.